Dream with me, won’t you?
Of a world where knowing the meaning of the phrase “pre-Code” gets you long-overdue rewards like fabulous accommodations, booze and food. All us cinema wonks could finally be rewarded in meaningful ways for those countless hours we’ve spent in front of movie, TV and computer screens, soaking up the kind of knowledge that in the real world will only get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks if it’s accompanied by at least $1.75.
And forget just visiting a Las-Vegas-type place to participate in these movie trivia games once in a while. Why not move to this imaginary paradise and become a professional movie trivia buff? As long as you keep your trivia knowledge sharp, it’s practically a guaranteed living. None of the stomach-churning risk of being a full-time poker player.
Think of the glitzy tournaments we pro-geeks could all compete in! Streamed live over the Internet, televised worldwide and beamed throughout the cosmos. The Super Bowl would fade in comparison. IMDb and Netflix would work themselves into a fever, begging for the privilege of sponsoring the film-wonkiest among us.
Finally a response from the rest of the world that’s more encouraging than the “Get away from that @#!! screen and go out for some fresh air!” we’ve all heard so painfully often. Every species possessed of even the most rudimentary eyeball, ear and brain would be transfixed to the point of requiring adult diapers because they couldn’t bear to miss a second of this clash of the cine-trivia titans. No matter how near-sighted and large-bottomed our film obsessions had rendered us, we’d each be enrobed in a flattering tunic completely covered with the shimmering logos of our adoring and loyal sponsors, and seated on our own (surprisingly comfortable) mountain of gold ingots.
During the competition our every utterance – to say nothing of our silences, carefully timed to heighten the audience’s already-fascinated tension to a new and deliciously unbearable height – would be hailed as both witty and wise. And when a victor finally emerged from this fantastic-bombastic brain-battle, he or she would be offered prizes such as a crown, the enthusiastic attentions of a harem-full of his or her preferred gender(s), and having the president of their choice chiseled off Mount Rushmore so that his or her countenance could be added. The also-rans would receive consolation prizes in the form of new piles of gold ingots, big enough to serve as ottomans to those ingot mountains they already have.
But when it comes down to it, we cinema trivia geeks are a humble folk with simple needs. After a decent interval of considering each of these fabulous prizes, the winner would cast down his or her eyes and shyly say, “Y’know, all I really wanna do right now is watch a movie.”
And so all of the competitors would shuffle amiably together to a venue of the victor’s choosing – be it drive-in theater, multiplex, art house or the basement of her or his childhood home – sit down in whatever posture they each find most comfortable, and, as they have so many times before, turn their gazes to the screen, and feel that familiar thrill as the lights dim and a flickering image begins to illuminate the truth.